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Hello and Goodbye….

Ever wish you had met someone sooner so that perhaps it had changed the course of your friendship or perhaps you could change the outcome of a situation if you had known something earlier?  I think that’s such a common thing for us all, wishing we had met someone sooner.

But what about the one you wish you hadn’t met before, the one you wish you were just saying hello to for the first time?  The one that you know if you were just meeting you wouldn’t have a past with but could make a brand new future.  The one you love and adore but because of the past there is no hope for a future together.

          Things I never told you….

          There are those I wish I had perhaps met sooner, and maybe it would have changed the course of a friendship.  But there’s one I wish I was meeting for the first time, so that our past didn’t make a future impossible.  

That morning when we kissed goodbye, I looked into those eyes in which I’ve found myself lost so many times, and my god, how I wished we were saying hello for the first time….

 

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff….

Love Always,

Amy

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Letting Go….

I’ve never been one to let anything go…I’ll break it down inch by inch to try to make sense of things.  I’ll go through blaming myself to blaming the moon.  I’ll throw fits of rage kicking the sand and screaming at the waves, then I’ll sit in quiet depression.  I’ll go back and forth with my thoughts until I can no longer think.  I’ll stay up all night writing what I think happened then I’ll cry all day, mostly because I’m tired but can’t seem to close my eyes.  

 Then finally there’ll be some ease. I’ll be ok for awhile, a few weeks, maybe a year, and then I’ll remember something and the process will begin again.  You see…

I let go of you long ago with my my arms, it’s my heart that’s still holding you…..

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps

Soon Enuff….

Amy….

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Kindness…

Kindness isn’t just something you show to someone because they deserve it.  Mercy, compassion, forgiveness, these are all things we show to others because we find those traits in our own hearts.  You can’t show or receive kindness, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, unless you have them inside you to give.

I’ve come to a point in life where I no longer feel rejected or upset when I show kindness to someone and they don’t reciprocate.  I know beyond a doubt, there is someone behind that unkindness.  Something has happened to that person that makes them unkind, something perhaps, beyond my comprehension.  I think that this type of knowledge, this understanding that there’s always more to a person than what they portray on the outside helps me be more kind, compassionate, merciful, forgiving.

There was a time I stayed in my own little shell because I’ve always been a little too kind perhaps, and I used to get my heart broken by unkind people.  But as I’ve grown in my writing, photography, studying of people, nature, etc. I’ve come to realize there’s so much more.  If I don’t follow my inner self that is kind, if I keep all that bottled up because I’m scared to show it, then I die slowly inside.  I become cold, unkind, unloving, unmerciful, someone I never want to be.

So on this “National Kindness Day,” give it a shot.  Show kindness, not just to someone you know is kind themselves, but to someone who doesn’t deserve it.  Someone who’s hurt you or been unkind to you.  Maybe a store clerk who always has a frown on their face, maybe one of your customers that always complains. I’m not saying to let people walk on you, I’m just saying perhaps if you listen to your intuition, you’ll know.  You’ll just know who needs it, and you’ll just always exude this attitude of kindness, it draws people to you, people want to be around kindness.  Be the light in a dark room.

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…

 

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Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting….

I think a lot of times people get confused between two words: forgive & forget.

Forgiving  means you stop blaming and being angry at someone that has wronged you. Most people view forgiving as an act that is done to free oneself of anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. for something that was done to them.  Nowhere in the dictionary or the bible or any poetry books does the word forgive mean to forget the wrong doing.

I don’t believe any of us ever forget, especially when something has been so painful and deeply hurt us, like a betrayal of love, a lie that leads to considerable damage, etc. Small things, like calling someone a bad name, that can most likely be forgotten, but in the largest matters of the heart (love), we never forget.

Over time the memory may get easier to live with.  We may find that it doesn’t knock the breath out of us anymore when we remember, that it doesn’t stop us from eating, or functioning in reality when we remember.  But nevertheless, the memory is still there.

Sometimes even the best meaning people that want to love us with all their heart, simply can’t because they can’t forget how we wronged them.  They can forgive, but the memories are just too painful and continue to haunt them every time they look at us.

Some loves go so wrong that even after years of attempting to fix them, years of trying desperately to make things work, they just can’t.  But at what point do you put a stop to it? 10 years, 20, 35? I’m not sure the answer for anyone, because I know everyones threshold of tolerance and pain are different.  But if you are truly trying and you’ve asked forgiveness, that’s all you can do.  The other parties involved, either choose to stay around you, or they don’t.  But if they do choose to stay, even after something very painful has been done to them, then the “throwing it in your face” has to stop.  Every little argument cannot erupt with bringing up what was done in the past to use to destroy the other person that has already asked forgiveness.

To continue to allow someone to break you down over and over again after they’ve repeatedly told you they love you and have forgiven you is just allowing damage to yourself that you’re not going to be able to repair unless you walk away.

You don’t want to walk away because you blame yourself.  You understand to some degree the other persons hurt, after all, you’re the one that caused it.  You live with guilt every day, even without the other person reminding you of it.  But once you’ve done all you can, there’s just no more you can do, and as painful as it may be, both parties need to put an end to the pain and do their best to move on.

I am of course, as most of you guessed, writing this from a personal level.  I caused a great deal of pain to someone that I love, something that I’ve known from the beginning would never be able to forget, let alone forgive.  I did my best, read all the self help books to try and be the best person I could be. Tried to love him so hard that he would hopefully be able to love me in return, while forgetting slowly the pain I inflicted, but it’s all to no avail.  I’m terrible at letting go, I’ll fight my way through a tiger cage most times, but I have found that I can only be broken so many times.  He’s reminded me time and again what a terrible person I am, how I’ve ruined my family, how I’ve totally killed him, and in the end, he’s won.  I live with guilt every single day, things I can never fix, things I can’t take back, feelings I can’t undo for anyone involved.

I’ve thrown all the self love books away, because I’ve read so many, and still don’t love myself.  How can I when I’ve hurt everyone around me.  But I’ve also come to realize that he doesn’t deserve anymore pain, and the least amount of pain is going to come when I let go of a dream to reconcile my family and just let him go, wishing him to find peace in his life without me.

The poem I wrote on this subject several years ago:

“She lives with sins that she thinks are unforgivable, she’s been trying for years to forget that love that remains unforgettable.  She judges herself too hard, her struggle is real.  Some days she is strong, her soul tries not to feel, but some nights she loses the battle, for the heart has its own will…”  -Amy-

I hope you all find peace, whether it is in forgiving someone else or asking forgiveness from someone.  Just don’t forget, if you are the one forgiving, and you choose to stay, regardless of what’s been done, then you must let it go. You cannot continue to bring up the past and attack and break down the person that’s begging your forgiveness.  If you can’t do that, then leave…

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps Soon Enuff…

 

 

 

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Self Worth

Many times when we experience heart ache or loss we tell ourselves we aren’t worthy of happiness, of love, of joy.

We think that just because we love someone with all our heart they should automatically love us back and unfortunately that’s just not how life is.  Everyone has a right to their own feelings, choices of who they love and no one can dictate or make someone feel something they don’t.

We often tell ourselves in this situation that it’s okay, “we can love enough for the both of us.” Reality is, that can never work.  If someone doesn’t love you do you really want them in your life?  Do you really want to cling to something that you already know is never going to happen?

I say no, we need to accept what is and let go of what we hoped it would be.  It’s the only way to truly be happy…

“Just because he didn’t love you doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving…” –Amy–

Realize that you are worthy of love that you are worthy of happiness and joy.  Just because one person doesn’t return your feelings, doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving. It’s just that maybe that person was never meant for you…move on, love will find you one day but in the meantime love yourself…

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…

Peace & love always,

Amy

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Karma…

 

So many people talk/write about Karma…what comes around goes around.  But the truth is, if you’ve wronged someone, or yourself, and you forgive yourself, you don’t need to be worried with Karma.  I’m not saying there are no consequences to your actions, because of course there are.  But to live your life in fear because of something you or someone you love did in the past is just living your life in hell.

“ And all those expectations, they’re long gone, time to dry your pretty eyes, time to forgive and move on.” -Amy-

The key is to forgive yourself.  If you can’t forgive and let yourself move on.  If you keep hating yourself because of past mistakes.  You can never trust anyone else, you can never love anyone else, you can never forgive….It all starts with you.  Let it go, forgive yourself, forgive whoever it is that hurt you, no matter the circumstances, and move on.  Love yourself, and let yourself love again.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve not to live in hell any longer.  Life is short, seek out happiness, stop seeking out the same old hurts, the same old past thoughts.  Love your life and your life will love you back.

Hope your week is awesome.

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…

 

 

 

 

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Disappointment…

So I know it’s been awhile, glad you guys stuck it out with me.  I’ve been on a bit of a spiritual journey.  I knew I was slipping and have been trying to do some self help, self love, whatever you want to call it.  Basically digging into my soul to see how I can make myself better.

There are so many notions (ideas) that I’ve read and totally agree upon.  But this notion of learning not to expect anything from anyone else so you won’t be disappointed really is the hardest thing for me.

I think it’s in our very nature to expect certain things from other humans…we expect them to treat us with respect, dignity, and love if they are our children our spouse/lover, and when that doesn’t happen I’m not sure how we are just supposed to be okay with that.

“She found herself disappointed in the notion that she shouldn’t expect anything from anyone so that she’d never find herself disappointed...” -Amy Lopez-

So here’s what I’ve come up with in my own heart/mind.  I think it’s not that we shouldn’t expect certain things, of course, it’s obvious that we do.  But I think it’s kind of like this, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”  Meaning, just because someone doesn’t react to something the way we want them to, we can’t let it devastate us.  Just because someone doesn’t love the exact same way we do, it doesn’t mean we can’t still love them.  I think it’s natural and really okay to find ourselves disappointed in other humans, and also in ourselves.

If you have a significant other, even your children, it’s a good discussion to have. Communication is key! Let me them know what you’re going through, ask them to join you on your journey of becoming a better person.  If they’re up for it, awesome.  That way, at least, when you do things that may be disappointing to the other you’ll know that you are both trying, maybe you just slipped up.  Don’t let it ruin your relationship if you truly feel they’re giving it their best.  People make mistakes, lots of mistakes, and it’s totally up to you to keep giving chances or to have enough and walk away.

It’s hard to be the one (me) that is super excited about a new journey, about becoming a better person, speaking more love instead of hate, not taking things personally, not making assumptions, and then when you feel you’re doing really great and making progress, bam! Someone important in your life slams you.  You may take it gracefully the first, second, or third time, but after that, you find yourself slipping, you can’t take anymore and then you let all that negativity bog you down, you slip back into the person you used to be.  Believe me, I know, it’s happened to me so many times I can’t count. But the good thing is, I’m realizing it, I’m mindful and aware of when it’s happening, and now it’s happening less and less, which is a positive step.

I’d love to hear your feedback, maybe some of you are struggling with the same issues, I’d love to help.

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps….Soon Enuff

Have a beautiful week!

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Your Garden….

Not sure how many of you will be able to relate to this blog post, but I suppose if it’s meant for you, then you’ll understand it…..peach daisy I’ve been struggling a bit mentally, which in consequence, is making me struggle physically as well.

Yesterday, I decided to go out and shoot nothing but weeds, ha.  And you know what I discovered, upon adjusting my focal point and length.  Weeds are beautiful, you just have to look a little closer!

“At times I feel I’m struggling, like I can’t have a beautiful garden because I can’t get rid of the weeds.  But maybe the garden is already there, and it’s not full of weeds at all, it’s simply a big field of beautiful flowers and I’m just to damn busy and stressed to even realize it.  So I adjusted my focal point and it changed what I saw, I began guarding my thoughts, and it is changing my life….” -Amy-

Hope your weekend is beautiful and you begin watching the thoughts you let yourself think.

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…..

 

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Are you your own worst enemy….

Have you ever really thought about how you speak to yourself?

Are you praising yourself, giving yourself a pat on the back, loving yourself, looking in the mirror and being proud of who you see?

Or, like most of us, are you condemning yourself. Telling yourself that you’re not good enough, pretty enough, young enough, talented enough. Are you looking in the mirror and pointing out to yourself all your flaws and how you wish you looked better?

We don’t realize it, but we hurt ourselves far more than anyone else can ever hurt us. We don’t realize that what we say to ourselves, what we think about ourselves, that’s the most that anyone else can ever think about us.  Though it’s true another person may be saying to you, “You look beautiful today…” In your heart, if you don’t believe it, because you have said too many times to yourself, “I’m disgusting, I wish I were more pretty,” than you won’t even hear when a person gives you a compliment, you’ve already condemned yourself.

The energy that comes from within you is what others receive from you.  If you are negative towards yourself, people sense that, and it makes them negative about you.  Conversely, if you have positive energy, and you really love yourself, others will love you and want to be around you because your energy is so positive and people, especially in these times, crave positive energy.

I have come to realize one thing about myself….I need to sincerely work on this.  I am a very positive and uplifting person…but only for other people.  I have started really listening to what I say to myself, and it’s not pleasant.  I’m never happy enough with how I look.  My writing is never quite good enough, my house never clean enough, and on and on….I think I’ve become very good at putting out a “false positive energy.” I can seem like a very nice positive person, but on the inside I’m not feeling it.

So if you are struggling like me, let’s start today to really listen to ourselves.  And when you catch yourself saying something negative to yourself, stop for a moment, change your attitude and you will eventually change your behavior.  I don’t think this will be any small feet.  I think we’ve trained our brains from childhood to think the way we do, maybe we were raised with over bearing parents, maybe a love in our life, hurt us so deeply that we began to self-doubt ourselves.  But whatever it is that started this awful trend in ourselves, I know one thing for sure, we can break the cycle.

So: Do you ever realize the way you speak to yourself?  Maybe you ought to listen….

Peace & love

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff….

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Friendship….

Meaning of friendship: Kindness, love, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other’s company, trust, ability to be oneself, and to make mistakes without fear of judgement from the friend.

A new study came out that was done over the last four years have now consistently found that adults with the highest levels of happiness and general well being also reported strong, close ties to at least one or multiple friends.  Having a friend in adult-hood provides companionship, affection, and emotional support.  It has been to improve good health and longevity.  Conversely, loneliness has been linked to increased heart disease , viral infection and cancer, as well as higher mortality rates.

I’ve struggled a bit with adult-hood friendships.  My childhood best friend, from about 4th grade until we were adults was my everything.  She was my lioness, my soul mate, my confidante…all the things listed above under the meaning of friend… She passed away when we were in our early 30’s of breast cancer.  It was devastating and I struggled for years afterwards, really keeping my distance from friends.  As my children have now become adults, I have found that they are some of my best friends.  However, friendships with your family members aren’t quite the same, and here’s why….

As family members, we still tend to impose our own will, at times being judgemental, even if we try not to, because it’s a different type of love.  A true friend, that’s not family, we don’t judge, we are just there for each other, to help and care for, even in distance.  A friend is just a totally different type of relationship…you can possibly go days, weeks, and occasionally even months without talking, and yet, pick right back up where you left off at any given moment. Friends, at soul level, can feel each other’s pain, yet, understand that it’s not their pain, and instead support the other by being their lion, giving them the best advice, and just being there to listen without imposing our own will onto them.

In all honesty, I’m still a little guarded, but I have come to have two very close friends, that aren’t family.  I don’t depend on them for anything, which is a different type of feeling.  I just know that they are there if I need to talk or need an honest opinion on something.  It’s a great relationship, that offers nothing in and of itself, except acceptance and understanding.

I hope if you have been struggling with loneliness you’ll put yourself out there and make new friends, or even perhaps, look up that old friend that you’ve grown apart from and re-kindle a relationship that is beneficial for both of you. Friendship is one of the most important foundations in our lives, and I truly believe that a friendship out of family, is very important.

Peace & love

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff