Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting….

I think a lot of times people get confused between two words: forgive & forget.

Forgiving  means you stop blaming and being angry at someone that has wronged you. Most people view forgiving as an act that is done to free oneself of anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. for something that was done to them.  Nowhere in the dictionary or the bible or any poetry books does the word forgive mean to forget the wrong doing.

I don’t believe any of us ever forget, especially when something has been so painful and deeply hurt us, like a betrayal of love, a lie that leads to considerable damage, etc. Small things, like calling someone a bad name, that can most likely be forgotten, but in the largest matters of the heart (love), we never forget.

Over time the memory may get easier to live with.  We may find that it doesn’t knock the breath out of us anymore when we remember, that it doesn’t stop us from eating, or functioning in reality when we remember.  But nevertheless, the memory is still there.

Sometimes even the best meaning people that want to love us with all their heart, simply can’t because they can’t forget how we wronged them.  They can forgive, but the memories are just too painful and continue to haunt them every time they look at us.

Some loves go so wrong that even after years of attempting to fix them, years of trying desperately to make things work, they just can’t.  But at what point do you put a stop to it? 10 years, 20, 35? I’m not sure the answer for anyone, because I know everyones threshold of tolerance and pain are different.  But if you are truly trying and you’ve asked forgiveness, that’s all you can do.  The other parties involved, either choose to stay around you, or they don’t.  But if they do choose to stay, even after something very painful has been done to them, then the “throwing it in your face” has to stop.  Every little argument cannot erupt with bringing up what was done in the past to use to destroy the other person that has already asked forgiveness.

To continue to allow someone to break you down over and over again after they’ve repeatedly told you they love you and have forgiven you is just allowing damage to yourself that you’re not going to be able to repair unless you walk away.

You don’t want to walk away because you blame yourself.  You understand to some degree the other persons hurt, after all, you’re the one that caused it.  You live with guilt every day, even without the other person reminding you of it.  But once you’ve done all you can, there’s just no more you can do, and as painful as it may be, both parties need to put an end to the pain and do their best to move on.

I am of course, as most of you guessed, writing this from a personal level.  I caused a great deal of pain to someone that I love, something that I’ve known from the beginning would never be able to forget, let alone forgive.  I did my best, read all the self help books to try and be the best person I could be. Tried to love him so hard that he would hopefully be able to love me in return, while forgetting slowly the pain I inflicted, but it’s all to no avail.  I’m terrible at letting go, I’ll fight my way through a tiger cage most times, but I have found that I can only be broken so many times.  He’s reminded me time and again what a terrible person I am, how I’ve ruined my family, how I’ve totally killed him, and in the end, he’s won.  I live with guilt every single day, things I can never fix, things I can’t take back, feelings I can’t undo for anyone involved.

I’ve thrown all the self love books away, because I’ve read so many, and still don’t love myself.  How can I when I’ve hurt everyone around me.  But I’ve also come to realize that he doesn’t deserve anymore pain, and the least amount of pain is going to come when I let go of a dream to reconcile my family and just let him go, wishing him to find peace in his life without me.

The poem I wrote on this subject several years ago:

“She lives with sins that she thinks are unforgivable, she’s been trying for years to forget that love that remains unforgettable.  She judges herself too hard, her struggle is real.  Some days she is strong, her soul tries not to feel, but some nights she loses the battle, for the heart has its own will…”  -Amy-

I hope you all find peace, whether it is in forgiving someone else or asking forgiveness from someone.  Just don’t forget, if you are the one forgiving, and you choose to stay, regardless of what’s been done, then you must let it go. You cannot continue to bring up the past and attack and break down the person that’s begging your forgiveness.  If you can’t do that, then leave…

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps Soon Enuff…

 

 

 

Self Worth

Many times when we experience heart ache or loss we tell ourselves we aren’t worthy of happiness, of love, of joy.

We think that just because we love someone with all our heart they should automatically love us back and unfortunately that’s just not how life is.  Everyone has a right to their own feelings, choices of who they love and no one can dictate or make someone feel something they don’t.

We often tell ourselves in this situation that it’s okay, “we can love enough for the both of us.” Reality is, that can never work.  If someone doesn’t love you do you really want them in your life?  Do you really want to cling to something that you already know is never going to happen?

I say no, we need to accept what is and let go of what we hoped it would be.  It’s the only way to truly be happy…

Just because he didn’t love you doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving…” –Amy–

Realize that you are worthy of love that you are worthy of happiness and joy.  Just because one person doesn’t return your feelings, doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving. It’s just that maybe that person was never meant for you…move on, love will find you one day but in the meantime love yourself…

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…

Peace & love always,

Amy

Karma…

 

So many people talk/write about Karma…what comes around goes around.  But the truth is, if you’ve wronged someone, or yourself, and you forgive yourself, you don’t need to be worried with Karma.  I’m not saying there are no consequences to your actions, because of course there are.  But to live your life in fear because of something you or someone you love did in the past is just living your life in hell.

 And all those expectations, they’re long gone, time to dry your pretty eyes, time to forgive and move on.” -Amy-

The key is to forgive yourself.  If you can’t forgive and let yourself move on.  If you keep hating yourself because of past mistakes.  You can never trust anyone else, you can never love anyone else, you can never forgive….It all starts with you.  Let it go, forgive yourself, forgive whoever it is that hurt you, no matter the circumstances, and move on.  Love yourself, and let yourself love again.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve not to live in hell any longer.  Life is short, seek out happiness, stop seeking out the same old hurts, the same old past thoughts.  Love your life and your life will love you back.

Hope your week is awesome.

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…

 

 

 

 

Your Garden….

Not sure how many of you will be able to relate to this blog post, but I suppose if it’s meant for you, then you’ll understand it…..peach daisy I’ve been struggling a bit mentally, which in consequence, is making me struggle physically as well.

Yesterday, I decided to go out and shoot nothing but weeds, ha.  And you know what I discovered, upon adjusting my focal point and length.  Weeds are beautiful, you just have to look a little closer!

“At times I feel I’m struggling, like I can’t have a beautiful garden because I can’t get rid of the weeds.  But maybe the garden is already there, and it’s not full of weeds at all, it’s simply a big field of beautiful flowers and I’m just to damn busy and stressed to even realize it.  So I adjusted my focal point and it changed what I saw, I began guarding my thoughts, and it is changing my life….” -Amy-

Hope your weekend is beautiful and you begin watching the thoughts you let yourself think.

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…..

 

Count the Sunrises…..

“Life goes by so fast, have you ever counted the sunrises that have passed?” -Amy-

Sometimes I complain because I don’t feel like I ever get enough sleep, but this morning I was so grateful that I’m an early riser.  I really hate to miss a sunrise, especially one like this morning.

I’m one that is very nostalgic,  always thinking about my favorite moments, things that remind me of those moments, smells, sights, tastes, etc.  So I do tend to count the days, weeks, months that it’s been since an important event has happened.  I miss that moment, I think about it, and I try to think of it fondly, not in a sad way, and then, I usually feel better about it.

I hope you take this weekend to remember some of the most fond memories you have, but most importantly to make some new memories that years from now, you’ll think back on and remember with love.

Peace & love

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…..

 

When darkness settles in…..

So just gonna be super vulnerable and honest here, cause my writing is as much therapy for myself, as it is also, the hope that I’m providing for you.  Yesterday, I really struggled.  It went from 75 degrees and sunny to rainy, gloomy and low 40’s. I had people let me down that I was really counting on, I had a loved one yell at me, and I do mean yell, for no apparent reason.  I was kind to several people through text and email, and I was shown not one ounce of kindness.  I felt let down, I was tired, and frankly, I was more depressed than I have been in quite awhile.  I couldn’t even make myself work out.  So I did the only thing I could do, I went to bed.  I slept until the middle of the afternoon, woke up and did some writing, and went back to bed.  I didn’t eat all day, oh except, a few chocolate chips, which helped in making me feel even worse about myself 🙂

So this morning when I woke up, I actually felt better, a little more energetic, and good thoughts, like, “I am not having another day like that…”  It lasted for a few hours, and then I felt the darkness settling in on me again.  So I sat down and looked through my gallery of pictures, which usually helps me feel better, and I wrote this poem:

I hope in the middle of an ordinary day, you’ll be blessed with some things you didn’t see coming your way.  Perhaps kindness shown by another human being.  I hope that you see mountains and streams, or so many other beautiful things.  I hope today your mind will be filled with wonder, the way it used to be when you were younger….–Amy—

And well, I still feel a little gloomy, but it helped, I got up washed my face, got my workout clothes on and did Yoga.  I know exercise isn’t a cure all, but I’m telling you, it really helped me.  I think sweating and getting your heart pumping, stretching your body, opening up your chest to expand your heart, being mindful of your breathing, well, it just makes you feel alive. And that’s exactly what I needed after a day of not feeling alive at all.

Like a lot of others I struggle with depression, and usually I can fight through it, it’s been months since I’ve had a day like yesterday, but I’m real, it happens, and sometimes I don’t defeat it, and that’s what happened yesterday, I gave in to it.  Today, I will not, I will fight like a champion, and even if there’s a dark cloud over me, I’ll look for my own sunshine, and I hope that you’ll find your own as well.

Peace & Love

Cause I’m not there yet, the battle is for sure real, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…..

 

Create your own beauty….

I find that I am fascinated by what’s inside things: hearts, minds, flowers…. and how beautiful the inside of things are if we simply look a little deeper, it’s not always what we see at first glance.

I bought a little bouquet of flowers last weekend, they haven’t bloomed yet, and yes, they’re beautiful, but when they aren’t fully opened up they just look like long tubes.  But yesterday, I was feeling a bit down, so I tried to come up with some things around me that are beautiful, and when I peeked inside this tube of a flower with my macro lens and snapped a shot,  I couldn’t believe how beautiful it truly was, it just wasn’t ready to show the world yet.

My Poem: Some days just hurt, you may try to smile, but nothing seems to work.  I’ve had many of those days, and I’ve found the key, is in looking around you and creating your own beauty…-Amy-

I found that taking this picture, editing it, spending time just looking at it, and then writing about how I felt about it, was therapeutic for me.  I felt better, I smiled, I was happy at the beauty I found right inside my own house, I just hadn’t been looking hard enough.

I hope today if you are feeling blue, or just need some sunshine in your life, look around you, see that beautiful things are truly everywhere.  And if you honestly can’t find something, go outside, pick a flower, watch a snowflake, watch the rain as it puddles up, or go to the store and buy your own flower or plant, create your own beauty, and watch how beautiful you become to yourself and to those around you.

Kindness matters and so do you:)

Peace & love

Cause I’m not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…..

 

Hello world!

Sometimes I get so frustrated because I rarely sleep more than 4 or 5 hours, but this morning I was beyond blessed by a gift you can only receive very early in the morning!

Be mindful today of the many blessings you have, focus on the positive.

My morning quiet thoughts were these: Today, I will focus on what’s good in my life, I won’t say forever, but just today, I will not let negative thoughts ruin the small moments of joy that I’m given.

Not there yet, but perhaps, Soon Enuff…